This is my attempt in avoiding homework for at least a few minutes.
Warning: this might get deep because I’m just that person that takes your emotions for a ride.
I think a lot. I actually over think a lot. I over think too much. I am constantly in a state of worry and it’s really tiring. For example, I constantly think I am the biggest annoyance in people’s lives. This is why I hate texting people first or asking people to hang out. I just think I’m being a bother, a burden, a weight. The thing is I don’t actually know if this is true, I’m just forcing myself to skip to these conclusions because it’s the only that ever made sense to me.
With these worries comes a lot of doubt and sadness. With this weight, you never stop asking yourself why. It’s a question that never stop ringing in my ears. Why?
So I’ve never seen the movie 127 Hours but I really should because I feel like that’s my life right now. I have apparently thought it was a grand idea to go rock climbing (or whatever he does) without telling anyone where I’m going and ended up getting my arm stuck and now I’m forced to slowly and painfully cut it off. This is a metaphor, of course. I would never go rock climbing, that is way too much exercise. I break a sweat just thinking about walking over to my fridge. But emotionally, I guess I’m here. Arm stuck in a rock. Helpless. Cutting it off with a blunt object. Wondering why Verizon doesn’t get signal in the mountains. No, Verizon Guy, I can’t hear you. I think I’m still in the middle of cutting off my arm. It’s very exhausting. I’m getting so tired of this. But I just got to keep going because I have things to do, people to love, books to read, TV shows to watch. I have a life to live. I can’t let my own stupid mistakes kill me. Even if it means living without an arm, I’ll do it because I have to find meaning in this life before I can sleep. I have to find a reason. I have to find answers to questions that can only be found by finishing off this life the way it was intended. I can’t choose the easy way out. I have to cut off my arm, even if it means unimaginable pain, gritting my teeth until they start to chip away. I won’t choose the easy way out.
I think what I’m trying to say is that I haven’t found a reason to live but my journey to finding the reason is my reason for living. If that makes any sense, raise your hands. I can’t see your hands so it doesn’t matter, and you look stupid for raising your hand. Tricked you. HA.
There are some things I need to tell you before I go.
Yes you specifically.
You are one of my reasons. You are one of my answers. You are beautiful. I know sometimes the world gets difficult and it gets really tiring and you feel like giving up. I fully understand how unfair everything is. But you are fine. You are going to be fine. You don’t have to carry the weight on your shoulder. You are going to be okay. You really are. Hell isn’t a destination, it’s just one of the stops in your life. You will make it out eventually. So go find your reasons, your answers, your meaning. Don’t you stop until you find it. Life is a huge game of hide and seek. Always remember that you are enough, you are better than yourself, you are golden. You are loved. You really are. It’s amazing. Don’t you dare forget that, the day you do, I’m gonna show up under your bed and stab you in the jaw…with my love because I love you. I simply adore you. Remember that as you are going through Hell, that whether I’m a complete stranger or a good friend to you, I love you. It might not be enough but it’s better than nothing. I care about you. I’m your cheerleader. I’m your welcome home party. So come home. Bring home the gold. You can do it. I believe in you and only you.
Wow…That was much deeper than I wanted that to be. But I needed to get that out there. I don’t really know who all reads this so this might be a little awkward if you ever see me in real life. Just pretend like you never read this. Kthanks.