Lately I find it hard to be happy.
Woah…that was a rough way to start a post but it’s appropriate for this one.
I’ve been going through some issues in my life (nothing ever changes). I have been put on an emotional rollercoaster without a seat belt, hanging on for dear life. If you don’t know what my life has been, consider yourself lucky. It has been a hot ass mess. Like really. I cannot believe half the things that happened within the last few months. It is the story of a lifetime. I also learned on top of not being able to catch a baseball or an athletic equipment, I learned that I also cannot catch a break. I swear, it’s like the world is simply out to get me. So I have grown as a human being and my outlook on life has changed quite drastically. I want to share with you about a few things I have learned throughout these terrible occurrences.
1. You are able to love someone without trusting them. At all.
2. No matter what you are not alone in your suffering.
3. Everyone’s a dirty filthy liar.
4. There’s bad karma but there’s also good karma.
5. Hummus is the food of the Gods.
6. People are seriously messed up, including yourself.
7. No matter what you do, don’t ever give up.
8. Hard times call for good friends and a lot of Netflix binge watching.
9. No one stays forever.
These are only a few of the life lessons I have learned. They aren’t really life changing ones but if you really think about it, it’s some good stuff. I don’t know. It just feels like life is holding my head underwater and just as I’m about let go, it pulls me back up for air. It’s really annoying. Like seriously. Either let me drown or let me go. Annoying.
There is also something I learned about other people. Who ever says that they do not care about what other people think about them is a rotten liar. Everyone cares about what other people think about. Maybe not to the same degree but they do. That’s why people pretend to be happy. That’s why people paint smiles on their faces and skip around fields of daisies singing about rainbows and butterflies. That’s why people go shopping. That’s why people do anything. We all care. People pretend nothing is wrong with their lives when they are slowly breaking apart inside. Now that’s a dangerous thing. That can drive people insane, trust me, I know. People are so scared of what would happen if they let others in, they are so scared that people will see them differently and leave. Vulnerability is such a hard thing. It sometimes defines a person. I am still quite terrified of it. I’m sometimes so terrified I do more than build walls around myself, I build cities, oceans, and mountains between me and people. Sometimes it gets so frustrating that I completely shut down. Like today. I was so done today. I was beyond done today. Done doesn’t even describe what I was. I had a mental breakdown and I was just over it all but after the company of amazing friends and the spontaneous purchase of Pokemon X, I’m solid.
Okay so I know I started this post on a very depressing note but I want to end it with this, even though it’s hard to be happy, I still find moments of happiness in my life that remind me of why I am alive. There are seconds in my day when I am truly happy and because of that I know I am capable of finding happiness and it’s a beautiful thing to realize. I cherish those moments so dearly. Every time I find myself smiling or laughing, it’s another reason to not give up.
We are all capable of happiness, whether it comes in short bursts or a long lasting ember.
You make me happy. So thank you for being. Thank you for being my reason.
PS: I’m sorry my posts have been depressing lately. I’ll try and be funnier next time. Maybe I’ll talk about flamingos or something. It’s a surprise. Also please go check out my poetry blog, if you can, I’d really appreciate it.