I’m writing this because I have a lot to say but I can never seem to find the words to say them out loud. I want you to know I will always care about you. I will always love you no matter what. However I don’t think we are benefiting each other in anyway by being in each other’s lives. I don’t want to be a burden on you, I don’t want you to carry my weight, I don’t want you to worry about it. You have enough going on in your life and it’s just not fair to you. Also I can’t be there for you fully. I can’t be who I was before and pretend like everything’s okay when everything around me is falling apart. You don’t know how to handle this and I don’t know how to help you handle this. Also I want you to know I’m not something you need to handle. I am not a case for you to solve. I am not a patient for you to cure. I am a human being that only needed a friend. I don’t like being treated like a nut case. I don’t like seeing you uncomfortable around me, that makes me uncomfortable and that makes everything so much more awkward.
All I really want is for you to be happy. I really do. Your happiness is much more important to me than my own. So I realized that your happiness involves me leaving. I’m just another problem you don’t need to worry about. So live your life, love those around you, care deeply, trust fully and be happy. I want nothing more than to see you happy. I just realized that a way we can both be happy is by me walking out of your life. Let’s just say that your part of the story in my life is over and my part in yours is over too. It’s like the whole ripping off the bandaid thing and you’re the bandaid. It’s gonna hurt like a bitch and I am going to probably cry a lot because my tolerance for pain is extremely low. I guess I just stopped being able to trust you after all this. I can’t let you in anymore because it hurts and it scares me because I don’t trust you. I want to so bad but I can’t bring myself to do it anymore. Don’t tell me I didn’t try. I sure as hell did. I tried harder than you think. I’ve been trying since the beginning and all I wanted was to know that you even gave the slightest shit about me. I got nada and I keep getting nada. I’m not going to waste my time and yours on something that won’t work.
But remember that I love you. I really do. I always will.
I’m just done repeatedly carving into my bones “maybe next time” and destroying my soul for you.