After going to church since like forever ago, I had quite the epiphany today. I was sitting in my cozy row, listening to the preacher preach and suddenly all that popped into my head was this following sentence:
“Love who you want but all I ask is that you love me more.”
You see my God is a jealous God. He doesn’t care who I love as long as I love him more. It took me this long to understand that. It was like God was reciting me the most beautiful and greatest love poem of all time and I was sitting there like “Um…thanks but I just don’t feel the same way. Let’s just be friends.” I friendzoned God. However, my God is a just and merciful God and his capacity to forgive me every single time leaves me speechless every time. I would drift around from idol to idol and he was just sitting there patiently waiting for my return. I could tell sometimes he would get really impatient and yell at me but I would be like “Huh? Did you say something?” I mean think of how annoying it would be. You’re trying to tell someone you love them and that entire time you were doing your “I love you so much” spiel, the person you were confessing to had their headphones. I would smack someone really hard in the face, most likely the person with the headphones in. So that’s what God did. He smacked me really hard in the face and I was all like “WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT DID I DO TO YOU? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? YOU SUCK.” So I’m trying to take out my headphones and listen to him. I don’t want to mindlessly nod and laugh at the “appropriate times”.
I might have been a sinner, a doubter but my greatest sin was loving other things more than him. I hated him for making the way I am. I cursed his name every time I felt my heart linger on things that didn’t love me back. Love is not something you control and I hate that. I hated that he made me this way. I hated that he wouldn’t help me love less when I asked him to free me of my bindings. I hated that he made me a sinner with something that I could not control. But I have come to realize that God doesn’t care what or who I love as long as I love him more. He doesn’t care about my sins as long as I rest in him at the end of the day. My God isn’t petty. He really is beautiful. He is the sky and the sea. He doesn’t keep track of the little things I’ve done wrong, he doesn’t bring them up at family dinners, he looks at me and tells me that it’s okay, that he thinks I’m beautiful in my weakest moments, in my shame and at my worst. He puts his arms around me and whispers my name and tells me that I am worth all the things I didn’t think worthy.
“I love you despite your failings. Your failings are my treasure and I place them close to my heart and I will love you endlessly. Do not be weary on your travels and do not forget about me. Whenever you find yourself weak and hungry, come and be filled with me. I will ask you to do things that you do not like or understand but I need you to trust me, I need you to believe that I will be with you. I don’t care about who or what you love, I just want you to love me more.”
God is great, isn’t he?
What a guy.
“Faith in God includes faith in His timing.” – Neal A. Maxwell