The Wolf of Can You Not St.

On this fine Christmas day, my parents and I made our yearly pilgrimage to the Chinese buffet because none of us ever feel like cooking. Afterwards, we decided to watch a movie and my dad, oblivious to the American movie world, picked The Wolf of Wall Street. I suggested The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, a nice PG movie but no my dad decided because the movie played 5 minutes earlier, we were going to go see the R Rated, Wolf of Wall Street. Now granted, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty would’ve been an hour and a half long while this one was about 3 hours long. 3 FREAKING HOURS. Don’t get me wrong, I love nothing but watching Leonardo DiCaprio for 3 hours but watching him have sex and snort cocaine out of a hooker’s ass with your parents isn’t really the ideal way of spending Christmas. I wanted to watch a nice movie about a guy who daydreams of a better life and finally goes for it but nope, we watched 3 hours of Leonardo DiCaprio yell profanity, snort cocaine and have sex with a whole lot of people. That’s a movie I wouldn’t even see with my friends, let alone my naive, non-American parents. Overall they understood what the movie was about besides the awkward sex scenes. My dad looked at me at the end of the movie and went, “Don’t do drugs.” Thanks Dad.

The Wolf of Wall Street is actually not a terrible movie. Obscenely long, but interesting overall. Leonardo DiCaprio did an amazing job as usual and there was a scene where you saw his ass and I cannot complain. Jonah Hill was brilliant but he always seems to play these annoying characters that makes me want to chop his testicles off. So I guess he’s quite the actor. The movie made me never want to be a stock broker or even go near Wall Street. I would probably die. I was also astonished how none of them ODed. I mean they did bags and bags of cocaine like literally, as one time, Leonardo DiCaprio pulls out an entire bag of cocaine, dumped it on the table and started snorting the shit out of it. Then there was a scene where they took these drugs called Lemmon and it was the strongest thing they could find and they didn’t realize that they had to wait about an hour and a half for them to kick in so they took the entire bottle. Let’s just say, that scene made the movie. It’s definitely worth sitting in a theater for 3 hours just to see Leonardo DiCaprio rolls around the ground like an infant. Matthew McConaughey was in this movie for like an entirety of 10 mins and 8 mins of it consisted of him humming and banging his chest like an idiot. Also his head looked huge. Like holy crap, it was a life size Matthew McConaughey bobble head. I don’t recommend this movie as something to watch at movie nights. This is the kind of movie you watch to actually watch. It’s no joke. If they played this at a movie night, I would straight walk out because ain’t nobody got time for that. Pop in Mean Girls for christ’s sake. Or even the Lion King, I mean what a classic.

So I guess overall it wasn’t a bad movie, definitely not a movie to watch with your parents. It made me really uncomfortable, not just because it was with my parents but because it was just that obscene. I need a shower after that one. I feel like my ass has fallen off because of how long I’ve been sitting in that seat. I think I left my ass in the theater. Well crap. They can keep it. Also my dad is never picking a movie again. Next time, we are strictly going to go see PG movies. I refuse to have to explain why there were so many naked women and excessive amounts of humping in one movie again. Seriously, I think the movie would’ve been shorter if they cut all those gross scene in half. It would’ve saved me and the rest of the theater the awkward experience of having to sit there and watch Leonardo DiCaprio violate a woman for 10 minutes straight. Like seriously? WAS THAT NECESSARY? COME ON HOLLYWOOD. Just because it says Rated R doesn’t mean you have to turn it into a porno. I felt my innocence die. Anyways, Leo looks gorgeous though, that man refuses to age. The movie was too long. The storyline was okay. I don’t think I’ll be watching it again though. It’s just one of those one and done movies. But it’s definitely a movie worth seeing if you want to see Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill snort cocaine, make an ass of themselves and have sex with hookers, oh also there’s something about stock markets and Wall Street in there somewhere. I don’t remember.

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I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. I hope you all got what you wanted. I got the gift of discomfort and Leonardo DiCaprio’s ass so I would say it was a success.

-Jonny

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