Bedazzled Bell Bottom Jeans Will Never Go Out Of Style.

What the hell do you mean it’s not 2004? Hello? What? I’m confused. Where am I? What’s happening? I’m scared. AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BEDAZZLED BELL BOTTOM JEANS AREN’T IN STYLE ANYMORE? STOP IT. STOOOOOOOP. Not stoop. STOP, but over exaggerated. Just thought you should know. Because sometimes I get confused about it, you know. Stoop is totally a word and when people write STOOOPPP, I’m like where in the world do you see a stoop? and they never talk to me again. It’s a tragedy. Whatevskis. What am I talking about? I dunno, I’ve been awake for like two days or something. I dunno. I just think it’s strange that it’s about to be 2014. Wasn’t the world supposed to end like two years ago? What happened to that? Wait the Mayans were wrong? BUT THEY WERE SUCH A RELIABLE SOURCE. DAMN ANCIENT CIVILIZATION, THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. Unreliable pricks.

So another year comes to an end and I look back and I see a bunch of crap and I’m like “What?” then i’m like “Whatever.” Can’t change the past, might as well just get on with everything else. And I don’t think I’m making any New Year’s resolutions either. I don’t really keep them. They aren’t ever realistic either, like exercising more. WHO AM I KIDDING? The most exercise I get is walking to the fridge and the stairs up to my apartment. I wanted to start running one year and I’m pretty sure a part of my soul died once I started running. I’m not a runner. I’m not a mover either. I don’t move. I’m very stagnant. Anyways, if I had to I guess I would say that uh…not die? I mean that’s a real thing. I’ve been in the ER before and I don’t like it. I saw a guy with a gunshot to the head and I was like “Nope nope nope nope.” Also I saw two hospital staff pushing a body down the hall on the ER. UM WTF? I was traumatized. I’m pretty sure it was a body because it in a black bag and it was in the shape of a human. I mean they could’ve been stealing a mannequin or something but I don’t think the ER is the greatest place for that. They also looked really shocked when they saw me. Maybe they were stealing a body? Holy shit, what if I witnessed a crime? How many years do you spend in jail for stealing a body? Is that a real thing? Did I let a couple of guys just steal a dead body from the hospital? WHO AM I? See, the ER is not a fun place. Well I don’t think you ever go into the ER for a happy occasion. It’s not like “James is having his 30th birthday party in the ER! YAY!” or “What do you wanna do today?” “I dunno, go to the ER?” “HELL YEAAAAAH.” Like that never happens, if it does, please re-evaluate your life real quick. I’m not judging or anything but they have the movies for a reason or a park. Ooooh, also not to kill anyone would be a good resolution. Yeah, definitely. Putting that on my list, fo shizzy. Do all my homework is another one, I mean that’s like totally attainable, I have to do homework to pass class and I need to pass class because I need to graduate and go out into the real world and spend at least a few years trying to get a real job while spending my time at a retail job, trying to pay rent and trying to figure out my life. So basically what I’m doing now with a college degree. HOLLA. OH another is to not suck like not be a bad person, you pervs. I definitely gotta start having like a rad life. Rad, that’s a word you cool kidz use right? See what I did there? I put a Z at the end of kids because I’m totally rad. Let’s do one for the community like feed the poor or something. Charity work is always so rewarding. It makes me feel all warm inside but so does coffee and tea, I’ll drink more of those too, I guess. Warm feelings for everyone. I mean quitting caffeine is probably is a good idea but who am I kidding? I’m not a gold member at Starbucks because I care about my health. I ain’t gonna give up their fraps, like damn, what is in that shit? I don’t actually know but it’s delicious and you can count me in. Um…I also really want to do that thing where you’re walking and there are a bunch of people behind you snapping their fingers and they are wearing like leather jackets and stuff. Yeah, I want that to happen. Now that would be awesome. I also want to go to Disney World or Land, I ain’t discriminating. I just love me some Mickey. Who knew how happy a mouse would get me. He’s like the definition of joy also Space Mountain is also pretty awesome. I also need to buy bread and milk. I’m running low. Putting that on there. But yeah, let’s see my list of attainable New Year’s resolutions.

1. Don’t die

2. Not go to the ER

3. Do homework

4. Not have a sucky year

5. Charity work

6. Drink tea and coffee

7. Have people walking behind me snapping their fingers in leather jackets

8. Go to Disney World/Land

9. Buy milk and bread

Those seem pretty reasonable. So yeah, made myself a New Year’s resolution list. I’m set for 2014. Also does anyone remember Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century? She lived in 2049. That’s 35 years from now. I’ll be 55. I’m going to puke. I don’t want to grow up. It’s really lame. I’m pretty sure we are nowhere near what her 2049 is supposed to look like. Shouldn’t we all have like personal jetpacks and made contact with aliens or something? Also Smart House was made in 1999, why is that not a thing? I mean yeah it didn’t end well for them but still, there’s that new movie called Her where that guy falls in love with a computer because it has the voice of Scarlett Johansson so he’s like “SHE’S PERFECT” I bet if it had the voice of a guy, he wouldn’t feel the same way, unless you know, he’s gay. That would be a better movie. It’ll be like Brokeback Mountain but with a guy and a computer. I would watch that. I don’t want to watch a creepy looking guy fall in love with Scarlett Johansson’s voice. I completely forgot what I was talking about. Now I want to watch original Disney movies and make a movie about a gay guy falling in love with a guy computer. Hollywood, make it happen.

Holy crap, revel in this.

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Well I hope everyone has a great 2014 and if I see any statuses or posts like “It feels like yesterday that is was 2013” or “I haven’t taken a shower since last year” I’m going to cut you…a slice of pie and throw it in your face. You stop that. Don’t you make jokes like that. STOP. STOOOOP. That was stoop.

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Never be like stoop kid. You leave that stoop and you live your life. You go and make 2014 your bitch or a nice friend because bitch is offensive. Don’t make anyone your bitch. That’s rude. Okay well BYEEEEEEEE. (The Most Popular Girl in School…Look it up, you’re welcome)

-Jonny

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