“Do I dare disturb the universe?” – T.S. Eliot
I’m sitting here on a Tuesday night, reading poetry because that’s my life. As being an english nerd, I have developed a keen sense of reading too into things. I mean I spend majority of my time analyzing poetry and stories. I sometimes spend hours on a single line of a poem trying to figure out all the meanings behind it. This keeps leaking into the social aspect of my life. I overanalyze everything and everyone. I read too into things people say. It’s a problem.
I’ve been finding T.S. Eliot to be speaking to my soul. His poetry is absolutely beautiful and I keep losing parts of me to his words. I’ve been trying to find a place in my life where I can be at peace. I don’t really want happiness because while happiness is a great thing, it’s not permanent, much like sadness. Happiness comes in sparks, trying to catch fire to whatever is near it. Sadness is, however, a dull ember, burning underneath the wood. I look for peace. I just want peace of mind. I’m so over running into waves. I would just like still waters. My life is like riding a damn roller coaster.
I’m still trying to put myself back together after everything last semester. Ray Bradbury said, “Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a land mine. The land mine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.” I apparently stepped on the biggest land mine and now it’s taking longer than a day putting the pieces back. Once something is broken, you can never get it to be the way it was again. I will never be the same and I can’t turn back time to take back all the things I wish I had never done or said. I know it’s unhealthy to dwell on the past but it’s hard to leave it completely behind, isn’t it? Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I wasn’t such a coward. Sometimes I wish I was stronger back then but sometimes I thank God that I wasn’t. No one helps you get out of rock bottom. You do it yourself. You grip onto the rocks and climb your way out. Your knuckles become bruised and your forehead fills with sweat. You lose your grip sometimes and you slip. After a while, your body adapts to the climb. It becomes easier and you are able to recognize the loose rocks and you get stronger and smarter. However, that doesn’t mean your body doesn’t get exhausted sometimes. It’s in those times when you have to remind yourself that you can do it because you were strong enough to make it this far. It would be absolutely pointless to give up, you would have to do it all over again and you’re already tired so just keep going, keep climbing. You keep calling out to the open, hoping someone will help you but no one will help you because it’s not their climb. They have their own battles to fight. Sometimes you are so utterly alone that the air around suffocates you but sometimes you enjoy the quiet. It’s a on and off thing. We wage wars inside our minds and fight shadows that aren’t there. We are all fighting our own battles and climbing our own climb. No one wants to hear about the dark. No one wants to hear about how you are really feeling. They want to hear jokes about cats and what happened to Hannah Montana. People ask how you are doing just to hear you say “fine.” It’s just the sad facts of life. Sometimes you find those people that will drop everything for you. It’s just that sometimes it get harder and heavier for you to seek them out because you don’t want to be a burden. You don’t want to be classified as “that friend” so you sit quiet and laugh at their jokes and you say fine. I know it’s not easy. Trust me, I know. I hope that you know that you aren’t alone. I find that we find comfort in knowing that other people are fighting the same fight. So if you are fighting a similar fight as me, I hope you know that I know how you feel. It’s not easy and it sucks. Sometimes you fall asleep in your car outside of your apartment because you are too tired to get out but it’s just a day. Tomorrow can be different. You just have to make it different. Remind yourself of how strong you were before and how strong you can be. The battle that day was just a toughie, tomorrow you’ll be stronger because you made it through today.
I am very tired. It’s the kind of tired that 7 cups of coffee won’t cure, even if “I have measured out my life in coffee spoons.” (More T.S. Eliot for ya) I hope tomorrow’s fight is an easier one than today’s. I hope one day I will find peace. I hope you find peace too.
I didn’t mean for this to be so deep but my heart has just been a little heavy and as Hemingway so beautifully put it, “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”