Movie Review: The Other Woman AKA Attractive People Being Attractive

Last night I watched The Other Woman and I really liked it. It was a very grown up version of John Tucker Must Die and that movie is like one of my favorites. It’s basically the same movie with different people.

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It was a classic, funny chick flick. A guy is cheating on his wife, his wife finds out and then his wife and his mistress become really good friends and then there’s another mistress and they all become really good friends and plan to ruin the guy. Typical, right?

I mean this would never happen in real life. This movie was very unrealistic but since when were movies ever realistic? I feel like if this ever happened, I would not have planned out an elaborate plan with my husband’s mistresses to destroy him. After I found out, I would go home, sit there and wait til he got home and hit him right in the balls with his favorite golf club. The movie would then end right there with him writhing in pain on the ground and me enjoying a nice glass of milk because milk is good for you. Also everyone in this movie was just really attractive.

It was a movie of just really attractive people being attractive. Real life stuff right there. I also haven’t seen Cameron Diaz in a movie since that Las Vegas movie. I’m sure she’s done other stuff after that but that’s the only one I remember seeing. Lady Gaga’s boyfriend, Taylor Kinney, was in this movie too. He is so damn attractive and he can date and put up with Lady Gaga so he must be one hell of a human being. Not saying that Lady Gaga is a bad person to date but DOES NO ONE REMEMBER HER DRESS MADE OF MEAT OR KERMIT THE FROG DOLLS? Also Nicki Minaj was in this movie. Wait, what?! Since when did Nicki Minaj act? I was just sitting there waiting for her to suddenly go crazy and start yelling at the camera, rapping about bees and how her ass is the size of Venus. I was just confused for the rest of the movie because she was in it. I just didn’t know what to do. The entire time she wasn’t on the screen, I sat there wondering what batshit crazy stuff she was doing off camera. Just imagine filming a movie with Nicki Minaj. “Nicki, so you’re going to sit there and talk to Cameron about her man cheating on her.” “Oh okay sure.” “Alright then, ACTION.” And then she suddenly jumped up on the desk and starts rapping and pulling off her wig and not blink ONCE. Why does she never blink? Like the majority of her music videos seem like her staring at the camera, NEVER BLINKING, tilting her head. The Other Woman soon became The Movie With Nicki Minaj Being Weird In Like Three Scenes.

I’m pretty sure I only watched this movie for the people. The storyline was quite basic and average. There were funny parts. A lot of different scenes where they openly displayed a dog’s testicles. This movie was PG 13. WHAT WAS WE SHOWING 13 YEAR OLDS THESE DAYS? When I was 13 and I watched a PG 13 movie, the worst they did was say the word ass and have implied sex. Nowadays, PG 13 means dog testicles hitting Cameron Diaz in the face. What a mess society is now.

Now let’s take a second to talk about Kate Upton, who is also in the movie. I wasn’t just saying “Hey, let’s stop talking about this movie and dog testicles and talk about Kate Upton.” No she was in the movie too, looking sexy as sexy can be. Like dear sweet Jesus, whenever she was on the screen, I had no idea what other things were going on. She is just the most attractive human being. If I already didn’t go through the confusion and trauma of figuring out my sexuality, that would definitely be happening right now after seeing the perfection that is Kate Upton run around in a white bikini. She’s just really pretty.

This movie had me really loving the fact that I was bisexual because I could both appreciate the sexiness of Taylor Kinney and Kate Upton at the same time. I didn’t have to go home and ponder my life choices because I found myself being attracted to both Taylor Kinney and Kate Upton. I was just like “Yup. Both are beautiful human beings and I would really appreciate it if I could possibly start a family with both of them.” With that thought, I went on with my life.

I MEAN LOOK AT THEM.

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LIKE WHAT? HOW IS THAT HUMANLY POSSIBLE TO BE THAT ATTRACTIVE? God was having a really good day when he made them.

So overall, this is a movie with really attractive people. The plot isn’t the most original but it’s funny and like I said THE PEOPLE ARE REALLY GOOD LOOKING. They just run around being attractive making me hate the fact that I ate an entire bag of chips earlier that day.

-Jonny

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