Oh man, it has been a while since I posted something. My life has either been too busy or too boring for me to post anything. 2014 has been quite the ride but I ain’t about it anymore. Moving onto new things, ya know?
Well I decided that in 2015, I will be more social. This is a big deal for me. Human interaction is not something I seek on a regular basis but my therapist has suggested that I try something different and I guess it wouldn’t hurt or whatever. I was thinking about it more lately.
I think we go through life constantly worrying about what other people think about us. You might deny it but we all know you are full of it so sit down and join us. We crave the presence of people who accept us. We want to be a necessity to people’s lives. We want to belong somewhere. The thought of home and the journey of finding or returning to a home is a very interesting concept to me. I never had a physical home. I moved around a lot and never really built a sturdy enough foundation in the places I’ve been. The thing is we are tricking ourselves into thinking that home is a place. Home doesn’t have to be a physical place. Home is the idea of being safe and comfort in your own skin and being able to fully be yourself without restraint.
In class, we talked about this guy that went through a sex change. My professor explained it in a way that ignited a sudden realization of the meaning of home. He said he was trying to understand what that guy was going through but it was so hard to wrap his mind around it, which is understandable. You can’t understand something that you have no knowledge of. My professor said that it clicked for him when he realized that the guy was searching for his home. Okay, stay with me on this. The guy was born into a gender/body that he knows isn’t what he was meant to be. His sex change was his way of coming home. He was finally in a body that he felt comfortable, stable, and joyful in. Isn’t that an interesting way of looking at the idea of home? Home is a state of mind.
So what I’m saying is that I am trying to find my home. I am trying to find a place within myself where I am fully comfortable and safe. You know that feeling where you feel like you are on edge and uncomfortable when you are in a place where you know you don’t belong. Yeah, that has been my life for the past 21 years. So now, I’m sick and tired of this discomfort I feel within myself. I am going to try and find my home within myself. I love the idea of feeling at home wherever you are because you are comfortable within your own skin. The idea of not caring what others thing about you is so appealing. Only you can make your home. The journey of finding your home is something that you have to do on your own. I’m not saying you can’t search for a home with people. You can but wherever your home is, it won’t be the same for others. So I think instead of searching for the physical idea of home, we should search for our inner home. Finding that comfort of self.
YAS GIRL YAS.
For some reason I think that the journey to finding your own home is to encounter other people’s homes. Experience leaves behind something that you can use to build your own home. Build it within yourself with the things you’ve learned throughout life. Encounter things that scare you. Talk to people that interest you. Live life as a child. Hold nothing back. Do something. You will never be able to build or find a home without tools. Have you ever seen someone trying to build a house without tools? They probably look ridiculous and you are probably questioning their sanity. Don’t be that person.
I want to live my life in a way that if someone read a book about me, they wouldn’t want to come kill me for being too boring.
Anyways, I’m just rambling about nothing today. Just thought you guys needed something.
Well I hope you guys find your homes and live a good life. Don’t be afraid to just walk into a room like
Do good things and do it with love.