The Permanence of Temporary

With enough practice, it gets easier. This does not apply to goodbyes. No matter how many times I’ve said goodbye to people, it does not get easier. Let me tell you, I have had plenty of goodbyes. When we say goodbye to people we love, we do it in hopes that one day we’ll see each other again but I’ve said it knowing that there was a chance that we would never meet again. Needless to say goodbyes are hard but I’m used to it. Over the years, I have come to live my life as if everything is temporary, which I guess in the big picture it is. I have started to live my life without expectations or permanence. It’s not the greatest way to live but it does help since you’re never really disappointed. I’m writing all of this because in less than 2 weeks, I will be saying goodbye again to some people that I love and to a place I made my home but it’s only for a few months so it’s not too bad. I still have a lot of feelings about it since I’m going to leave the country. In conclusion, I decided to write a letter. Just be warned there are a lot of self pity and angst in this. I’m not usually like this,
Ijusthavealotoffeelings_zps875f47fa

I’m trying to come to terms with learning to love myself without the help of others but it ain’t an easy task, people. Give me a break.


Dear you,

I’ll miss you. I hope you’ll miss me too. Goodbyes were never really my thing, I always preferred leaving silently as I carefully shut the door in hopes that you won’t notice, stepping ever so quietly in hopes that the floors won’t give me away.
This time I wanted you to know something so forgive me if this is a little rough. I’m always scared. Not about leaving. Not about moving. Not about saying goodbye. I’m scared that actually you won’t notice. I’m scared that simple memories of me are enough for you. I’m scared that my absence does not resound in your life, that you’ll simply straighten out the creases of me where I once laid as if it was nothing. I’m scared that I didn’t make enough of a dent in your life that the hole I once filled can be plugged with a cotton ball. It seems that you mean a lot more to me than I thought but I have no idea how much I mean to you. I wonder if forgetting me is easy for you. I wonder if I made it easy. I wonder if I should’ve tried harder, pushed further, loved stronger. I think I’m mostly terrified that this goodbye isn’t permanent. To come back and have you turn around and not realize that I have gone, to have said goodbye for you to not even be listening. I’m being selfish and childish but I want you to miss me. I want to know that I meant something to you, that my absence will mean something. I’m not asking for you to halt your life and mourn until my return. I’m asking for an occasional ‘I miss you’ or ‘It’s not the same without you.’ I don’t know why I desire such attention. I’ve always craved importance. Maybe because I live in a world where I feel that I have none. Maybe so I can get an external reminder that I mean something after being trapped in my own mind of self hatred. It’s unhealthy of me, I know. I am constantly told to love myself but after years of practice, it’s just gotten easier to hate instead. After years of convincing myself that my goodbyes are more welcomed than rejected, I have come to live a temporary life.
I have difficulty forgetting people. I carry the lives that I have lived with those in my past like wounds still fresh from battle. Their names are carved all over my bones until I become a monument dedicated to the people I’ve once loved.
So I’ll miss you in ways that you won’t understand because you are important to me. You don’t need to crave importance from me. You don’t need to wonder if I am thinking about you or not. As I leave and we carry on with our lives, I will miss you and I will regret not making you feel more important. So I’m writing you this letter in hopes that you’ll miss me too as well as reminding you of how much you mean to me. I’m sorry if I’m asking for too much. I never meant to inconvenience your life, I just simply want to have been a convenience in your life.
I hope you can understand my selfishness and love me the same. I hope that once I return, you’ll greet me with affection. Goodbye, dear friend. I’ll miss you greatly.

Sincerely,
Me


Thanks for reading.
I might be saying goodbye to people in my life but I’m not saying goodbye to this blog just yet. I’ll try and update it as much as I can while I’m in Scotland so you’re stuck with me. No goodbye for you.

-j.l.

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