The Freedom of Coming Home

There’s a moment when you come home and you undress out of whatever clothes you wore to be out in public. It feels like you’re shedding skin. Tearing away all the little bits of day that accumulated. Whether it was a good day or a bad day, you take it all off. You put on comfy clothes and you are in a safe place. You can feel the weight of the day lifting off of your shoulders and you become clean, new, in control.

I love that feeling.

I think that’s why I love being home so much. I’m free. I can be myself. I don’t have to put on a face anymore. I don’t have to pretend like everything is okay. If I want to throw things and cry uncontrollably, I can. If I want binge watch Mr. Robot while eating a family size bag of chips, I can. I am free. Of course sometimes the outside world leaks through the cracks. You start to think about your responsibilities. You start to think about your job, your friends, whatever drama is going on whether it involves you or it doesn’t, you start to think about your future, you start to think about your past. It does come through. Sliding in right before you close the front door. It hides in the corners as you be disgusting stuffing your face with junk food or mindlessly playing video games. It sometimes emerges and taps you on the shoulder. You try to shake it but sometimes you can’t.

But within these walls, you are safe to be whoever you want to be.

Honestly after an entire day of pretending to be happy when you’re dying inside, coming home to the four walls that surround you, hidden from the world, no longer pretending. You lay out all of your mistakes and shortcomings, your flaws and your insecurities. You set them free. You lay them out on the table, sort through them a little, watch them roll around in front of you. It doesn’t matter though. You can display all of these things and it won’t matter. No one is watching. No one can see. You are free.

I am free.

Sure, you’ll wake up tomorrow and have to do it all over again, smile when you don’t want to, laugh when things aren’t funny, put your mask back on, and say “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are doing. Sure, there are days when you are truly happy and having a great day and sure, there are days when everything is falling apart but you can’t show it. Sure, it becomes an endless cycle of redundancy. Sure.

But that moment when I am home, when I do shed all of the shit from the day, I remind myself that regardless of whatever is happening, in that moment, I am free.


Jonny In Scotland #2: Traveling on Sheer Panic

This is my second update about Scotland. I’ve been so busy being lame that I forgot to write about my adventures there. Now that I have about 19 days left in this beautiful city, I thought it was appropriate to write a bit of an update.

Well my travels haven’t been really extravagant. I went down to London for a weekend to see one of my dear friends. It was lovely. I really do love London. Wouldn’t really want to live there, it’s far too expensive.

More recently, I went to Amsterdam and wow, I am in love with that city. It’s just a quaint little city that it almost just feel like a town rather than a city. I went with a couple of friends I met in Scotland and it was a lot of fun. Amsterdam makes me want to learn dutch and move there, rent a small studio apartment, get a cute little dog, ride a bicycle, and write novels by the canal. I see why John Green chose that city to write about.

Next weekend, I will be going to Barcelona with one of my friends from my home university and I am so very excited. I’ve been wanting to go to Spain for an extremely long time now and since I am in Europe, I might as well. The sad thing is I haven’t really traveled around Scotland much. I hope to do that soon as well.

However, finals is upon me and I am drowning in essays. I have zero motivation to do anything productive.

Currently me rn:
Actually more like this:

Anyways, I am having some harsh mixed feelings about going back home. I mean I am so excited to see everyone again and stuff but I’m not quite ready to leave. I have made Scotland my temporary home but somewhere in my heart, I want to make it my permanent home. I am still so in love with this city, just the same as I first got here. I feel like this was an escape that I want to last forever. I feel like going back home is just returning to reality and having to face responsibilities that I have been putting off for an entire semester. I’m not prepared for it. I graduate next semester and I will have to do adult things and I am far from ready. I am so far from ready, I don’t even know what ready is. I have neglected to come to terms with my responsibilities of growing this far and now I’m going to have to cram that into one semester. I’m in quite a panic.annie_scream






Actually in a deep, deep, deep panic


If you asked me how I was currently handling life, I would just send you this.

I’m not ready to grow up. I’m not ready to face reality quite yet. I have mental breakdowns from three essays I have to write. How the hell am I going to handle a real life job and real life responsibilities like taxes and shit? WHAT? No.


I always hoped that when the time comes, I would be somewhat ready but the time is fast approaching and I am not. Is this how everyone is dealing with life or is it just me?
I guess I’ll just have to spend next semester trying to get my life together and such. For now, I think I want to enjoy being in Scotland without my responsibilities dangling above me like the sword of Damocles. Life is just moving by so quickly and it’s giving me no time to catch up. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish but it just seems hopeless sometimes. Times like these, I just have to remind myself that I’ll have to take it one step at a time even if I am many steps behind others. It’s my life and I shouldn’t have to live it to the pace of other, right? Please tell me I’m right. I just need to some kind of reassurance you know. I see everyone moving forward in their lives, getting jobs, getting married, being talented, being real people, and I’m over here Netflixing my life away. I guess my life of winging it needs to come to a stop sooner or later. While I am deeply under prepared for everything that will come my way, at least I’ll have Scotland for 19 more days.
I’ll try and make one more post about my Scotland trip nearer to the end. For now, I’m just going to throw my laptop out of my window, crawl into bed, cry for a few hours, attempt to do work, fail, and then cry myself to sleep.


The SEALS of Spartan 01

So I went to see the movie, Lone Survivor. I was never a fan of war movies because they always have me curled up in the fetal position, bawling my eyes out. This one was no different. Lone Survivor has got to be one of the best war movies I have ever seen, one of my top movies right now actually. It is a story of four soldiers on a mission but their mission gets compromised and they can’t contact base. They make the decision to let the prisoners go, which sets of the chain reaction of them telling the Taliban and the fight between four American soldiers and an army of Taliban go at it. There were several things about this movie that really got to me that no other war movie ever has. I don’t want to spoil anything because I seriously recommend everyone to go watch this, like seriously. Go now. Stop reading and just go. Leave. WHAT’RE YOU STILL DOING HERE? GO. I mean it’s Marky Mark. COME ON.

This movie especially hit me hard because of the fact that it addressed the fact that not all Afghans were terrorists. The main character was saved and protected by Pashtun Afghan who actually hated the Taliban. It was also in their culture to protect one from being attacked. An entire village risked their lives to protect one man, let alone a foreigner. This is a really important thing to understand. Just because they are Middle Eastern does not make them terrorists. It’s like saying that all Christians are like the Westboro Baptist Church people. If you really want to get into history, the first terrorist ever was a caucasian male. So there’s that for you. Just because they are a certain race does not mean you have the right to throw stereotypes and labels on them. Just because they are of a certain religion does not mean you need to assume things about them. Not all Christians believe in the same way. We all believe in the same God but we worship differently. There are different denominations even that believe in different things. What makes Muslims so different? If you don’t know or have knowledge about Islam and the Middle East, you should really keep your mouth shut. I’ve lived in the Middle East for 13 years of my life and within those 13 years, I can safely tell you that I didn’t encounter one terrorist. Every Middle Eastern I have met have been nothing but kind and caring people. Islam is really one of the most beautiful and dedicated religions there is. These people wake up at the butt crack of dawn to pray. When was the last time you woke up almost every day as the sun comes up and said a prayer? They are so welcoming and they never condemned me for my faith. They understood that I was of different faith and they asked me about from time to time but they never told me I was going to Hell or that Allah was going to smite me. They were respectful and genuine. The news makes it a point to make every single race group seem like terrible people. I am just so annoyed and irritated about people that refuse to think for themselves and question their beliefs from time to time. Asking questions isn’t against the law. We are not in Ancient Greece. Socrates was put on trial and executed because he made people think, he made people realize that some of the things they’ve been believing might not actually be right. Think for yourself. Go out and find the world on your own. Step out of your tiny little box of crap and explore. The world really isn’t a sucky ass place if you really look. There are good and bad people in the world. They do not fall under a category of religion, race, gender or sexuality. There are just good and bad people. There are good Christians and bad Christians. There are good Muslims and bad Muslims. There are good asians and bad asians. There are good gay people and bad gay people. Just because you identify yourself as a certain religion, race, gender or sexuality does not immediately turn you into the box that Media puts them in. You are your own person. Seriously. The world is a really big place, if you haven’t noticed. You shouldn’t fill your life with hatred of things you don’t understand. You should be open to learning. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to accept it into your life, it just means go out and educate yourself before you start bashing people. I went on quite a tangent there but seriously Lone Survivor does an amazing job of giving people something to think about, not just on war but on assumptions. 

The camera work and effects in this movie is absolutely breathtaking too. It’s really beautiful. 

I also want to take some time and acknowledge the soldiers who are fighting for our freedom and our safety. I think it is the most noble thing to be willing sacrifice yourself for something you love. I do not support war at all. I hate war. I don’t care if it’s necessary or unavoidable. I will forever hate war. I do not care for politics or government. I do not agree with any side of the government. All I care about and support is our troops and finding ways to bring them back home safely. 

This movie also made me realize how small my problems are. There are people out there fighting and dying for us and there are families and friends who are holding their breath and praying that they won’t ever get a visit or a call that says someone they loved has died in battle. There are bigger problems and that the little petty things aren’t important. How am I going to complain about the fact that I might have failed a test when there is someone out there risking their lives and getting shot at? So what if that guy you really liked doesn’t call you or if the one girl is being a total bitch to you or if you hear someone talking shit about you? Is that really important to you? Is that something that you need to stress out on? REEEEALLY? Get it together. Stop dwelling on things that aren’t a big deal. Realize how lucky you are and how grateful you should be. Just call him again or just move on. Stop talking to the girl, just walk out of her life and she’ll walk out of yours. Stop listening to bullshit and realize that you are a great person and the only thing that needs to criticized is the character of the person talking shit. Also look at it this way, someone doesn’t like you, you’re clearly doing something right and someone is clearly a jealous hoe. RIGHT? Just build a bridge and get the hell over it. Don’t waste your time and energy on shit that won’t matter in like a year. Realize people are dying for you out there and you going to sit here and cry because you got a C on a paper. GET OUT OF HERE. GO. DON’T LOOK AT ME. I’M DONE WITH YOU.

But really, go watch Lone Survivor and make sure you bring a lot of tissues because the sleeves of my hoodie are soaking wet…