The Freedom of Coming Home

There’s a moment when you come home and you undress out of whatever clothes you wore to be out in public. It feels like you’re shedding skin. Tearing away all the little bits of day that accumulated. Whether it was a good day or a bad day, you take it all off. You put on comfy clothes and you are in a safe place. You can feel the weight of the day lifting off of your shoulders and you become clean, new, in control.

I love that feeling.

I think that’s why I love being home so much. I’m free. I can be myself. I don’t have to put on a face anymore. I don’t have to pretend like everything is okay. If I want to throw things and cry uncontrollably, I can. If I want binge watch Mr. Robot while eating a family size bag of chips, I can. I am free. Of course sometimes the outside world leaks through the cracks. You start to think about your responsibilities. You start to think about your job, your friends, whatever drama is going on whether it involves you or it doesn’t, you start to think about your future, you start to think about your past. It does come through. Sliding in right before you close the front door. It hides in the corners as you be disgusting stuffing your face with junk food or mindlessly playing video games. It sometimes emerges and taps you on the shoulder. You try to shake it but sometimes you can’t.

But within these walls, you are safe to be whoever you want to be.

Honestly after an entire day of pretending to be happy when you’re dying inside, coming home to the four walls that surround you, hidden from the world, no longer pretending. You lay out all of your mistakes and shortcomings, your flaws and your insecurities. You set them free. You lay them out on the table, sort through them a little, watch them roll around in front of you. It doesn’t matter though. You can display all of these things and it won’t matter. No one is watching. No one can see. You are free.

I am free.

Sure, you’ll wake up tomorrow and have to do it all over again, smile when you don’t want to, laugh when things aren’t funny, put your mask back on, and say “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are doing. Sure, there are days when you are truly happy and having a great day and sure, there are days when everything is falling apart but you can’t show it. Sure, it becomes an endless cycle of redundancy. Sure.

But that moment when I am home, when I do shed all of the shit from the day, I remind myself that regardless of whatever is happening, in that moment, I am free.

T.S. Eliot’s Response To When Life Sucks

As finals looms over my head, laughing at me, waiting to destroy me, I cannot help but think about life (since I am writing my will for when I die from the stress of this week).

This is finals week

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And this is me

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Now that you got a visual on what my week is going to look like, I’m going to talk about life and stuff.

So life pisses me off on a regular basis. I have not figured out how to deal with that quite yet. If you have any tips, please do not hesitate to contact me at 1-800-PLEASEHELPME. So as life continues to ruin everything, I’m forced to deal with it. I’ve been dealing with it by eating a lot, crying, watching a lot of Friends, crying some more, sleeping, throwing things at walls, throwing people at walls, eating some more, and being in permanent fetal position weeping while holding onto a bag of cheetos. My life is kind of a mess but what else is new?

Anyways, I came across a quote by my favorite poet, T.S. Eliot.

“If you haven’t the strength to impose your own terms upon life, then you must accept the terms it offers you.”

Now that is some enlightening, life changing stuff. I feel like T.S. Eliot is saying “YOU DO YOU, BOO.” So basically:

“YOU DO YOU BOO.” – T.S. Eliot

T.S. Eliot never ceases to amaze me with his words and the usage of those words. Also he wrote an entire book of poem about cats. So of course he’s my favorite poet. Anyways, I feel like this quote is so great. I’m not saying to start marching through the streets demanding life to agree to your terms and conditions. I’m saying take your own life into your own hands. It’s yours. It’s up to you to make yourself happy. It’s no one else’s responsibility to do that for you. So do what makes you happy, even if they are little things like watching Netflix and eating away your feelings. Stop worrying about tomorrow. Stop worrying about whether he/she will text you back. Don’t let your happiness depend on other people. That’s just absurd. Happiness stems from within (Confucius probably said that or something.)

There has to come a time in life where you’re just like “You know what? Screw you, I’m doing things my way.” If you want to step up to your terrible aunt and uncle and go to a school for wizards and witches while fighting the strongest and most evil wizard in the history of evil wizards, you do you. If you want to run away and build an ice castle because you have the power to turn things into ice if you touch it, you do you. Also Elsa doesn’t want to build a snowman with her sister but she goes off and builds her own snowmen as well as a huge ice castle? That’s just rude. Come on, Elsa. I’m just saying, look life in the eyes and tell that bastard to stop taking your lunch money. Remember, small steps. It’s okay, take your time. Give yourself a break when you need it. Take a bath. Catch up with old friends. Make new friends (unless you’re socially impaired like me then just go to your nearest animal shelter and makes animal friends, they’re better anyways). Don’t compare yourself to other people. Other people don’t matter, what matters is you and your own happiness. Focus on that. Focus on yourself. You’re pretty great, it’s time to start realizing that. YOU DO YOU, BOO.

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Now if you’ll excuse me

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-Jonny