The Freedom of Coming Home

There’s a moment when you come home and you undress out of whatever clothes you wore to be out in public. It feels like you’re shedding skin. Tearing away all the little bits of day that accumulated. Whether it was a good day or a bad day, you take it all off. You put on comfy clothes and you are in a safe place. You can feel the weight of the day lifting off of your shoulders and you become clean, new, in control.

I love that feeling.

I think that’s why I love being home so much. I’m free. I can be myself. I don’t have to put on a face anymore. I don’t have to pretend like everything is okay. If I want to throw things and cry uncontrollably, I can. If I want binge watch Mr. Robot while eating a family size bag of chips, I can. I am free. Of course sometimes the outside world leaks through the cracks. You start to think about your responsibilities. You start to think about your job, your friends, whatever drama is going on whether it involves you or it doesn’t, you start to think about your future, you start to think about your past. It does come through. Sliding in right before you close the front door. It hides in the corners as you be disgusting stuffing your face with junk food or mindlessly playing video games. It sometimes emerges and taps you on the shoulder. You try to shake it but sometimes you can’t.

But within these walls, you are safe to be whoever you want to be.

Honestly after an entire day of pretending to be happy when you’re dying inside, coming home to the four walls that surround you, hidden from the world, no longer pretending. You lay out all of your mistakes and shortcomings, your flaws and your insecurities. You set them free. You lay them out on the table, sort through them a little, watch them roll around in front of you. It doesn’t matter though. You can display all of these things and it won’t matter. No one is watching. No one can see. You are free.

I am free.

Sure, you’ll wake up tomorrow and have to do it all over again, smile when you don’t want to, laugh when things aren’t funny, put your mask back on, and say “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are doing. Sure, there are days when you are truly happy and having a great day and sure, there are days when everything is falling apart but you can’t show it. Sure, it becomes an endless cycle of redundancy. Sure.

But that moment when I am home, when I do shed all of the shit from the day, I remind myself that regardless of whatever is happening, in that moment, I am free.

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Jonny In Scotland #2: Traveling on Sheer Panic

This is my second update about Scotland. I’ve been so busy being lame that I forgot to write about my adventures there. Now that I have about 19 days left in this beautiful city, I thought it was appropriate to write a bit of an update.

Well my travels haven’t been really extravagant. I went down to London for a weekend to see one of my dear friends. It was lovely. I really do love London. Wouldn’t really want to live there, it’s far too expensive.

More recently, I went to Amsterdam and wow, I am in love with that city. It’s just a quaint little city that it almost just feel like a town rather than a city. I went with a couple of friends I met in Scotland and it was a lot of fun. Amsterdam makes me want to learn dutch and move there, rent a small studio apartment, get a cute little dog, ride a bicycle, and write novels by the canal. I see why John Green chose that city to write about.

Next weekend, I will be going to Barcelona with one of my friends from my home university and I am so very excited. I’ve been wanting to go to Spain for an extremely long time now and since I am in Europe, I might as well. The sad thing is I haven’t really traveled around Scotland much. I hope to do that soon as well.

However, finals is upon me and I am drowning in essays. I have zero motivation to do anything productive.

Currently me rn:
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Actually more like this:
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Anyways, I am having some harsh mixed feelings about going back home. I mean I am so excited to see everyone again and stuff but I’m not quite ready to leave. I have made Scotland my temporary home but somewhere in my heart, I want to make it my permanent home. I am still so in love with this city, just the same as I first got here. I feel like this was an escape that I want to last forever. I feel like going back home is just returning to reality and having to face responsibilities that I have been putting off for an entire semester. I’m not prepared for it. I graduate next semester and I will have to do adult things and I am far from ready. I am so far from ready, I don’t even know what ready is. I have neglected to come to terms with my responsibilities of growing this far and now I’m going to have to cram that into one semester. I’m in quite a panic.annie_scream

 

 

 

 

 

Actually in a deep, deep, deep panic

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If you asked me how I was currently handling life, I would just send you this.
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I’m not ready to grow up. I’m not ready to face reality quite yet. I have mental breakdowns from three essays I have to write. How the hell am I going to handle a real life job and real life responsibilities like taxes and shit? WHAT? No.

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I always hoped that when the time comes, I would be somewhat ready but the time is fast approaching and I am not. Is this how everyone is dealing with life or is it just me?
I guess I’ll just have to spend next semester trying to get my life together and such. For now, I think I want to enjoy being in Scotland without my responsibilities dangling above me like the sword of Damocles. Life is just moving by so quickly and it’s giving me no time to catch up. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish but it just seems hopeless sometimes. Times like these, I just have to remind myself that I’ll have to take it one step at a time even if I am many steps behind others. It’s my life and I shouldn’t have to live it to the pace of other, right? Please tell me I’m right. I just need to some kind of reassurance you know. I see everyone moving forward in their lives, getting jobs, getting married, being talented, being real people, and I’m over here Netflixing my life away. I guess my life of winging it needs to come to a stop sooner or later. While I am deeply under prepared for everything that will come my way, at least I’ll have Scotland for 19 more days.
I’ll try and make one more post about my Scotland trip nearer to the end. For now, I’m just going to throw my laptop out of my window, crawl into bed, cry for a few hours, attempt to do work, fail, and then cry myself to sleep.

-jl

Honey, I’m Home.

Oh man, it has been a while since I posted something. My life has either been too busy or too boring for me to post anything. 2014 has been quite the ride but I ain’t about it anymore. Moving onto new things, ya know?

Well I decided that in 2015, I will be more social. This is a big deal for me. Human interaction is not something I seek on a regular basis but my therapist has suggested that I try something different and I guess it wouldn’t hurt or whatever. I was thinking about it more lately.

I think we go through life constantly worrying about what other people think about us. You might deny it but we all know you are full of it so sit down and join us. We crave the presence of people who accept us. We want to be a necessity to people’s lives. We want to belong somewhere. The thought of home and the journey of finding or returning to a home is a very interesting concept to me. I never had a physical home. I moved around a lot and never really built a sturdy enough foundation in the places I’ve been. The thing is we are tricking ourselves into thinking that home is a place. Home doesn’t have to be a physical place. Home is the idea of being safe and comfort in your own skin and being able to fully be yourself without restraint.

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In class, we talked about this guy that went through a sex change. My professor explained it in a way that ignited a sudden realization of the meaning of home. He said he was trying to understand what that guy was going through but it was so hard to wrap his mind around it, which is understandable. You can’t understand something that you have no knowledge of. My professor said that it clicked for him when he realized that the guy was searching for his home. Okay, stay with me on this. The guy was born into a gender/body that he knows isn’t what he was meant to be. His sex change was his way of coming home. He was finally in a body that he felt comfortable, stable, and joyful in. Isn’t that an interesting way of looking at the idea of home? Home is a state of mind.

So what I’m saying is that I am trying to find my home. I am trying to find a place within myself where I am fully comfortable and safe. You know that feeling where you feel like you are on edge and uncomfortable when you are in a place where you know you don’t belong. Yeah, that has been my life for the past 21 years. So now, I’m sick and tired of this discomfort I feel within myself. I am going to try and find my home within myself. I love the idea of feeling at home wherever you are because you are comfortable within your own skin. The idea of not caring what others thing about you is so appealing. Only you can make your home. The journey of finding your home is something that you have to do on your own. I’m not saying you can’t search for a home with people. You can but wherever your home is, it won’t be the same for others. So I think instead of searching for the physical idea of home, we should search for our inner home. Finding that comfort of self.

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YAS GIRL YAS.

For some reason I think that the journey to finding your own home is to encounter other people’s homes. Experience leaves behind something that you can use to build your own home. Build it within yourself with the things you’ve learned throughout life. Encounter things that scare you. Talk to people that interest you. Live life as a child. Hold nothing back. Do something. You will never be able to build or find a home without tools. Have you ever seen someone trying to build a house without tools? They probably look ridiculous and you are probably questioning their sanity. Don’t be that person.

I want to live my life in a way that if someone read a book about me, they wouldn’t want to come kill me for being too boring.

Anyways, I’m just rambling about nothing today. Just thought you guys needed something.

Well I hope you guys find your homes and live a good life. Don’t be afraid to just walk into a room like

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Do good things and do it with love.

-Jonny

Scotland: Powered by Haggis, Tea and A Whole Lot of Hills

Edinburgh, Scotland.

That will be my new address.

In the future. Not now. Sadly.

So yeah, we went to Edinburgh for the weekend and I am in love. I want Edinburgh to have my babies. That makes no sense. 

We stayed at the University of Edinburgh, which is where I will be transferring to if I ever become a millionaire in the next few days. Their beds were magical. Well compared to the one at King’s. I seriously loved everything about that city. I knew from the moment I got off the train that Edinburgh was going to be my new home. Everything about this city is beautiful. The streets are pretty. The buildings are pretty. The people are pretty. The sky is pretty…grey. The mountains are pretty. The hills are pretty and alive with the sound of music. It’s just pretty.

On the first day there, we decided to climb Arthur’s seat, which is about 822 ft high but the climb goes all around the damn hill so it’s like 134956920 miles. I don’t know why Arthur had to climb that damn high for a seat. Why couldn’t he just stay on the ground? Wouldn’t it be better to sit there instead of on a hill that is 822 ft high? How drunk was this guy? He climbs a dormant volcano and he’s like “I think I’m going to sit riiiiight here.” Yeah, it’s a volcano. 

Look at this view though.

 

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Like daaaayum.

Now look at me trying to raise my demonic minions from the top of the world like a true villian.

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After climbing that thing, I don’t ever need to exercise again. I am now permanently fit. Perma-fit. Thanks, Arthur. 

After the leg torturing, we climbed ourselves up, tried to resuscitate ourselves, had dinner where I tried haggis, it was much creamier than I thought it would be and then headed out to explore Edinburgh. We basically just walked around until we found a place to sit and then we walked around some more.

The next day, we decided to go to Edinburgh Castle. It was pretty cool. I mean it was a castle. Castles are always cool. 

After the castle, we tried to find the Elephant House, which is where JK Rowling wrote the first Harry Potter book so basically the most important place in the entire universe. We got there and it was everything I ever wanted it to be. It was cute, it was cheap and it was filled with elephants. Like real elephants, just running around the cafe, destroying things. I will never know how Rowling got any work done in there with all those elephants just stomping around, flinging their trunks like they own the place or something. 

When we got done eating, we headed out to find the grave of Tom Riddle aka Voldie. We basically walked around a graveyard for like 15 minutes trying to find a grave of a fictional character. It wasn’t creepy at all. Of course, Tom Riddle is a fictional character but Thomas Riddell isn’t. He was the inspiration for the name. So basically JK Rowling randomly stumbled into this graveyard, started walking around, found the tomb and was like, “Hmm, that sounds like a good ol’ jolly name for the most evil wizard ever.” That’s not creepy either.

We then headed out to shop, get lost a little and then end the night with some good music and great company. 

The last day, today, was an interesting one. It was our last day. We got on a bus and drove about an hour out to tour Walter Scott’s house which was cool but it took waaay too long. I was hungry, tired and just not feeling it. The most interesting part of the day was when my friend, Sarah, lost her Britrail pass. The Britrail pass is what we need to get on the train so we can travel around England. It costs about $500. Because we were the greatest friends in the world, Zack and I decided to stay with her to look for this darn thing. So we trekked our way back all the way across what was basically downtown Edinburgh, the hilliest city in the world, to find out that the people at the university aren’t the best at looking for things because we got up to her room and immediately found it under the chair in the room. They said they looked twice. I don’t know where they were looking but they must’ve been terrible at Hide and Seek when they were younger. People they were playing with are probably still hiding, waiting to be found. 

Finding it was a glorious moment. A thousand angels descending from the Heavens and sang in unison as we screamed and danced for joy. We screamed so loud, we woke up people all the way in China. My friend clutched onto that piece of paper like a newborn baby. All was good in the world and she didn’t have to pay a crap ton because a few people suck at Hide and Seek. When we got back to London, we rewarded ourselves with Chipotle and ice cream. 

Okay like Chipotle is my everything. It has been the best meal since I’ve been here and I almost cried. If I could marry Chipotle, I would. Just call me Mrs. Chipotle.

Anyways, Edinburgh has stolen my heart. I did not find an attractive Scottish boy to whisk my away with his bagpipe skills while wearing a kilt but this isn’t my last time in Scotland so it will happen, I promise you. Edinburgh, you are a place I can call home. Leaving you was the hardest thing. I would give anything to go back. I will probably end up trying to plan to move there after I graduate.

-Jonny